


Practical Applications For The World's Worst Superpower

by LandOfMistAndSecrets



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Bulges, Established Relationship, M/M, Oral Sex, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Post-Canon, This Started As A Fucking Joke And Then I Wrote Seven Thousand Words, Xeno
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-12
Updated: 2017-04-12
Packaged: 2018-10-17 22:47:00
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,698
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10603869
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LandOfMistAndSecrets/pseuds/LandOfMistAndSecrets
Summary: If you've ever inexplicably wanted to read a fic where Dave gets literally stuck in defective sopor slime and then pretty much immediately leverages the situation to make his position as humiliatingly compromising as possible..... well do I have a treat for you. (AKA no one wanted this but boy fucking howdy I damn well sure did write it anyway)





	

"I think the lesson to be learned here," Karkat said, eyes narrowed, arms akimbo, every inch of him radiating disapproval, "is when I fucking tell you directly, explicitly, in words a fucking wiggler could easily understand, not to do something, the correct course of action is probably not to wait until the second my back is turned, and then creep in to do exactly the thing I warned you not to do!" 

Dave slapped his hands down into the muck in front of him, the wet _smack_ sound cracking a little more loudly than he'd strictly intended. "Or, maybe, you know, and this is just a thought, Karkat, just a little inkling of an idea -- maybe the lesson should be that if you don't want me to do something, how about you don't make it sound like such an interesting and intriguing kinda activity, okay? Have you considered that? Have you considered that you might be stifling my individuality, Karkat? My inquisitive mind?" 

"Maybe I should let you and your _inquisitive mind_ puzzle out a solution to this problem in your own, then," Karkat said, his posture never changing. "Maybe I should just turn around, walk out the door and lock it behind me, how about that?" 

It was Dave's turn to narrow his eyes. Unfortunately, the gesture could not possibly have come out intimidating, because Karkat was standing on the normal, solid floor, and Dave was submerged to the waist in a few feet of warm, clingy, faintly phosphorescent slime. Not quite sopor slime, this, oh no -- and it wouldn't have been even if they'd succeeded with it. This was the latest batch Karkat, Jade and Roxy had all cooked up together, trying their damnedest to perfect a new formula. Something for the future trolls they were all going to repopulate the earth with at some point to use. They might not need shielding from relentless night terrors, anymore, but there was something to be said about culture for culture's sake. Or so Karkat said. 

Which was funny, because Dave knew Karkat preferred a bed probably more than any other troll ever had or would. 

The problem was that the perfect slime was hard to make. Batch after batch it came out: too solid, too liquidy, too smelly, too cold, too warm, the list went on for damn near forever. This one had seemed promising, made it all the way to Dave and Karkat's humble little can shack to undergo practical testing. 

Where they'd found an imperfection, of course. 

"Okay," Dave said, brows pulling down. He couldn't do intimidating, and he couldn't do demanding, so he'd have to go for pathetic, instead. Pitiable. He slumped his shoulders down all artfully dramatic and hung his head. "Just leave me here to fucking die, I guess." 

"You aren't going to fucking die, you damn melodramatic douchesicle, but maybe you _will_ have enough time to reflect on how you ended up in this situation in the first place." Karkat was smirking at him, eyes crinkled in the corners, sharp canines poking out over his lower lip - he was just short of outright laughing, the absolute ass. 

"Listen," Dave snapped his head back up, running his hands almost subconsciously over the slime. It flowed over his fingers, green and pliable as you please, but only at the surface. It had a strangely compelling texture. "When you said not to fuck around in your recuperacoon, you made it sound like there was some great amazing secret about it, it's not my fault the tone you used made it impossible to listen. You practically challenged me to come in here and figure out what was so great about it! You didn't mention that your fucking wild ass alien bed was going to go all vice grip on my legs, man, it is solid fucking casing, down there. I can't feel my feet, anymore! Am I being digested? You never once warned me, hey, Dave, if you try to jump into my slime pod it might actually vore you." 

Karkat shrugged. "It reacts really weird to high pressure." 

"Like have you never heard of a content warning? This shit is kinky, dude, the kind of thing you want to get explicit consent for, probably." 

"It's supposed to harden up just enough to provide support," Karkat went on. "Enough resistance so you can't totally submerge, but enough give to be satisfying... you would have had to have _literally_ jumped into it to cause this!" 

"How the hell else are you supposed to get in?" 

"See? If you don't even know how to use the damn thing, maybe you should stay the fuck out of it, genius!" 

"Karkat," Dave said, pretty much whining, now, "You aren't seriously going to leave me here." He tried to wiggle his lower half to no avail. 

"The more you struggle, the less it's going to give." 

"So the solution is just to do nothing until it decides to let me go?" 

"I think so." 

"Fuuuuuck," Dave groaned, closing his eyes, shoulders slumping for real, this time. 

"I could go get Jade," Karkat said, and Dave didn't even have to open his eyes to hear the smug smirk in his tone. He groaned again. 

"Go fuck yourself," he muttered. He tried wiggling, again. He couldn't move his feet at all, but up around his waist there was a little pliability, at least. Maybe it was like quicksand in the movies. He tried leaning back, bending as far as he could go, like he could aggressively relax his way to freedom. Karkat just stood there in the doorway, watching. It felt -- weirdly exhibitionist. Dave glared at him. "So, you can't help me, but you can stick around for the peep show, is that it?" 

"Dave, not three fucking seconds ago you were begging me not to leave you alone," Karkat reminded him. The fact that he was right only made it more annoying. 

"Yeah, but that was when I thought you were gonna fuckin' help, man." 

"God." Karkat came closer, shaking his head. "You can be really fucking whiny, did you know that?" He climbed the ladder onto the lip of the recuperacoon. It was wide -- wide enough to share, easily. Hell, it was wide enough for four or five people to all crawl in and have a slimy, fun filled cuddle party together, if anyone was so inclined, with even more room under the lip since the structure widened on its way down. Dave vaguely considered trying to pull him in. He was probably just barely out of reach. Damn. "Fine," Karkat said, snapping him out of his plotting thoughts. "Lift up your arms." 

Dave did so, eagerly. Karkat lowered himself gingerly into the slime and shuffled forward on his knees. The stuff dipped heavily under his weight, but the surface tension held. When he was close enough, he hooked his arms under Dave's pits and pulled, leaning back as far as he could. And, of course, got absolutely nowhere. The fucking slime would just not let go of Dave's feet. Karkat pulled hard enough that Dave's shoulders and hips creaked painfully, and Karkat's knees sank a few good inches into the slime, too -- not quickly enough to trigger its bullshit _harden up and never let go_ properties, but it was still a little alarming. 

It didn't take long for him to give up, and then they were just facing each other in the slime, panting, Karkat partially submerged on his knees and Dave implacably buried to the middle. 

"I told you it wouldn't work," Karkat huffed. Dave was actually starting to worry, now. He chewed his lip. Karkat noticed this, and sat back in the gunk with a tired huff. "Don't freak out," he said. 

"I'm not freaking out," Dave replied, with suspiciously little conviction. He really couldn't feel his legs at all. He looked down and wished the stuff was more translucent just so he could make sure they were even still there. Karkat's face took on that pinched look that meant he was actually thinking about this pretty hard, which actually made him feel a little better.

At least, until Karkat moved like he was getting up to go a few seconds later. "I should really go talk to Roxy," he said, gripping the rim of the recuperacoon and hauling himself up. Dave blinked up at him, frowning. "Or Jade, or both. They'll probably come up with some brilliant idea in three seconds flat, so --" 

"No, dude, what? Absolutely not." Dave leaned forward and grabbed his ankles, latching on before he could pull himself out. "Firstly, they don't need to see me like this, man, it's bad enough you're seeing me like this, and secondly, if you leave me here alone trapped in this alien hell bed purgatory I'm going to lose my god damn mind." 

"I really think we've had enough bullshit wiggler theater for one day, Dave." 

"Fuck you. Sit your ass back down! If waiting is all we can do, then as far as I'm concerned, we are in this together for the long haul."

"I did nothing to deserve this!" 

"You totally enticed me into jumping in here in the first place, at least half of the blame for this bullshit is on you." 

"Half," Karkat snorted, but at least he wasn't trying to climb out, anymore. "Fuck you. I'm blameless. This is all you and your bullshit impulsive need to immediately do the opposite of whatever someone more reasonable tells you you should." 

"A bullshit impulse that you knew about when you told me not to do this! The evidence is mounting, Karkat, this is starting to look downright _intentional._ " 

"Intention -- Why the fuck would I intentionally do this? Do you even realize how embarrassed I am on your behalf, right now? How inconvenient this is on every level? Why would I purposely subject myself to this pathetic secondhand humiliation, exactly?" 

"Please consider, Karkat, that it is pretty fucking suspicious that I'm trapped in your heinous slime lair, standing at exactly the right height so that you've got your alien business all swinging flagrantly in my face, right now." Holy _shit._ It all just popped out before he even realized what he was saying. He hadn't even noticed that he'd _noticed_ that until it all came flying unexamined out of his mouth. Shit. 

Karkat's mouth opened, but nothing came out. So Dave of course did the most ill-advised thing possible: he kept right on going, digging the humiliation hole even deeper, why not? "Like, check this out, you're just kind of looming over me here, while I'm all helpless and stuck in your little ecto-prison, blinking up at you like _no, Karkat, please don't leave me here alone_ , you can't tell me this isn't fulfilling some kind of fantasy for you, no way." Karkat's brows pulled down, his expression taking on an absolutely thunderous quality, and still Dave could not fucking stop. "Far as I'm concerned, probably the least you could do is finish what you've started, now. Just let this whole weird kink ritual play out, and when it's done with you can laugh and tell me how to actually get out of here and we can move on with our lives." He licked his lips. "Right? How close am I. Hot or cold? Gotta be at least a little warm, all the pieces are coming together." 

"Are you fucking joking?" Karkat's voice was all gravel. Shit. Volume rising, not a good sign. Or maybe it was? Dave let his ankle go as a sort of pathetic peace offering, which of course went unnoticed and totally unappreciated. "You think I _planned_ \-- Do you even --" Karkat actually growled, then, and rather than eliciting any kind of rational response, a funny little interested flutter vibrated through Dave's guts and up into his chest. It probably shouldn't have been exciting, the thought of Karkat actually being angry at him, right now, like this, in such a way that Dave actually was completely at his mercy, but. Uh. Yep. It was. 

"Maybe not, you know... consciously," he offered, marveling at the way his heart was kicking up the pace, anticipating something he probably was not actually going to get. Which -- obviously, Jesus fuck, what was wrong with him? Hip deep in the unrelenting shackles of slime jail and all he could think about was a certain embarrassingly specific way they could maybe pass the time. 

Unfortunately, Karkat wasn't quite sharing his wavelength. So to speak. 

"Do you even hear the shit that comes out of your mouth, sometimes!" His volume was teetering critically close to what Dave liked to fondly think of as peak Karkat. "Do you even listen to yourself! I don't know why I --" Karkat's hands hooked into claws, and he honest to god made this gesture like he was going to strangle the very air itself. "No one should have to put up with this shit!" Dave watched his face contort the way it did when Karkat had too many words piling up in his brain and not enough clarity tongue-ways to get them all out in express and orderly fashion. It would have pissed him off even more to know that Dave was mostly just watching appreciatively, trying not to smirk. 

"What if I said, though, that if that was what was going on --" 

"That is _not_ what is fucking going on!" 

"-- If it _was_ what was going on, I'd be kind of into it?" 

A little pause. Not much of one, but _something._ Karkat's eyes narrowed, all angry yellow and reflective in the surrounding phosphorescence. Yeah. Definitely into it. 

"I should fucking hope so, considering it's an entire scenario that you just fucking invented for some reason, why not your own bizarre gratification?" Karkat hauled himself up so he was sitting on the rim of the recuperacoon, glaring down, pants all freshly slime-soaked in haphazard streaks. "You can leave me right out of your absurd domination fantasy!" 

"It's not a domination fantasy!" Shit. Was it? It kind of was. His ability to take the most humiliating situation possible and somehow make it even more embarrassing was absolutely fucking legendary. World's worst superpower. Karkat just snorted, swinging his legs out and over the edge. "Okay, shit, so fucking what if it is? Who else am I supposed to share this shit with, smartass, someone besides you?" 

_That_ made him stop. It probably also made him mad, again. Which was... maybe half the point. Dave felt a little light headed, actually. Maybe it was slime fumes. Was that a thing? Most likely. The whole recuperacoon was probably full of egregious amounts of totally toxic, brain melting, heart scrambling fumes. 

But when Karkat turned back around, he didn't look mad. Just... wary. Maybe a little interested? Which made all of his insides do that embarrassing fluttering thing, again, and -- fuck. It didn't take much soul searching to know that in fairly short order, he'd either be passing the time by thinking about what he'd _like_ Karkat to do to him like this, or... actually having it done. _Shit._

"Less than a minute ago," Karkat began, in this totally insufferable tone, "I was actually afraid you were going to freak out about this. Your imminent freaking out, in fact, was making _my_ shit edge dangerously toward flipping, and now, all of a sudden, you're trying to pull some sort of weird seduction bullshit while half submerged in defective sopor slime! Which, by the way, is not a particularly attractive look for you. You said you'd lose your mind if I left you here alone, well, newsflash, shitbag, from where I'm standing your mind has already good and fucking vacated the premises! It has boarded its auto buggy and screeched insufferably around the corner, leaving nothing behind but lingering regret and the choking scent of burning industrial filament!" 

Dave leaned back, looked up, and met his eyes, eyebrows arched as high as he could get them. And then he very deliberately dragged his gaze back down to his actual eye level, which -- as previously advertised -- left him staring directly at juncture between Karkat's sensibly grey-clad legs. "Okay," he said, "But if you're done, can we skip to the part where you shut the fuck up and get down here, please?"

Karkat's expression went absolutely thunderous. He opened his mouth, but just as Dave was preparing himself for another verbal blast, Karkat snapped his jaw shut so fast his teeth audibly clicked together, and he just growled, instead. Dave let the sound of it vibrate through him, privately thanking whatever gods were listening that the layer of slime his dick was currently leveled in was a little more forgiving than the stuff currently vice-gripping his ankles, because it was definitely responding. 

"Now you're just purposely antagonizing me," Karkat said. 

"You said yourself the best thing to do was probably to just wait," Dave grinned. "Waiting doesn't mean we have to be bored." 

Karkat just stared at him, sitting on the edge of the recuperacoon, biting his lip thoughtfully. Dave tried to wriggle forward with no success. Fucking vice-grip slime, god damn. He only needed, like, three inches. Ha. Probably a sex joke in there, too. He slumped forward. 

"God damn, dude," he said, finally, after four or five excruciating seconds of this. "What, do you want me to beg? Is that what we're waiting for? I know for a fact you like the shit I'm offering right now, and if you weren't going to do it you'd have left already, so can you please stop drawing this out and just get the fuck in here so we can put this awkward thinking about it too hard stage behind us? Maybe let us skip a few scenes, dive right into the fun part, just me and you and however long it takes for your bullshit slime pod to let me _go_ \--" 

Karkat scrunched up his whole face, and Dave's eyes widened as he slid off the ledge and down into the slime -- carefully -- sinking in to the ankles. Dave reached out for him, curling his fingers around the back of his calves. "You are singularly fucking pathetic," Karkat informed him, and if the breathlessness with which it was spoken took some of the venom out, Karkat fixed that problem basically immediately by sliding his fingers into Dave's hair and gripping tight, yanking him down. Dave snapped forward at the waist, sputtering, hands sliding off Karkat's legs to slap at the slime's surface, catching his momentum. 

"Yeah?" Dave laughed, and Karkat's fingers tightened a little further. Enough to fucking hurt, actually. "Is that what gets you going, man? Is that what you need from me, this singular patheticness?" Karkat wrenched Dave's face up, slid his free hand under Dave's chin, and held them there, glaring down. The angle was awkward; Dave let out an involuntary grunt of effort, his back and shoulders protesting to no avail. He grinned upward, ignoring the prickle of fresh sweat breaking out... basically over his entire body, and waggled his eyebrows. Karkat always found that annoying. There were worse things than being hot and sweaty in a slime pod with your irritated-but-not-really boyfriend. "Come on, man." Dave licked his lips. "Don't stop now, your master plan is almost at full fruition, here." 

"Master plan," Karkat huffed, shoving him backward. Not that he could go far. His scalp ached where Karkat's fist had been holding him in place. Nice. "Fuck you," Karkat said, and then he leaned forward and snatched Dave's shades off his face. Dave made a thin little protest sound, but if he was being one hundred percent honest, _that_ was the moment his dick well and truly decided shit was going to get real. Karkat never did the pluck his shades off his face thing unless he was actually intending to do something dirty with it. His face, that is. Dave squirmed in the slime, considering the situation and maybe covertly trying to get some stimulation downstairs. It was warm at the surface, soft, thick and viscous -- if he closed his eyes, he could almost imagine the color red, and -- fuck, man, what the fuck was wrong with him? He let himself think about it, and was instantly mortified by how fucking appealing the idea was. He ran his hands lightly over the surface, letting it flow over and around him, just imagining Karkat. He sank his fingers in, and... noticed it had gotten real quiet, all of a sudden. His eyes fluttered open. 

Karkat was staring down at him, lips pulled down in a thoughtful little frown, something so fucking intense in his gaze that Dave actually shrank back from it a little, cheeks blazing. "What?" He threw it out like a challenge. 

Karkat just -- smiled.

Not a cute smile, either. Oh no. This one was one hundred percent sharp fangs with a bonus helping of illicit purpose. He sat back on the lip of the recuperacoon, and Dave opened his mouth to protest, only to have that protest fall out of his mouth in a wordless rush of air, because Karkat was unbuttoning his jeans in rapid, focused fashion. "Oh, fuck yes," Dave sighed, squirming forward. Still no give. God damn it. He reached out for Karkat's legs, only to have Karkat bend his knees, tucking them backward under the lip and out of reach. 

"Keep your slimy fucking hands off," Karkat growled. 

"Bullshit, Karkat, this is fucking bullshit, who said you needed to get like a jumbo fucking size one of these things anyway, this is a fucking downright excessive amount of space in here --" 

"Here's how this is going to work," Karkat went on, ignoring him utterly. 

"Just move like three fucking inches." 

"I'm going to sit here and do whatever the fuck I feel like doing --" 

"You are not going to just sit there touching yourself, man, that is cruel, that is cruel and unusual shit." 

"-- And _you_ are going to stand there and think really hard about all the new and exciting ways you've fucked up, today." Karkat shifted his body, wiggling his pants down around his hips, sitting bare-assed on the ridge, now, and Dave made a frustrated sound, hands sliding back through the slime just for the tactile sense of it. Karkat, meanwhile, slid one hand over his half-exposed thigh, taking his sweet fucking time getting down where it counted, but when he did, his eyes fluttered shut and he let out this dramatic little moaning sigh that was at least half performative. Probably just to taunt him.

The worst part was how fucking effective it was. Dave swallowed heavily, watching, another cool little prickle of sweat tickling the overheated skin of his scalp, shoulders, back. 

"Come on, man," Dave said, weakly. "You know I actually can not even touch myself, right now, this is atrociously fucking unfair." 

"Sounds like a personal problem," Karkat said, letting his head loll back, one hand working busily now between his legs. Dave watched this, helpless, curling his fingers all fucking uselessly into the warm, slippery slime, wishing they were curling around certain parts of Karkat's increasingly interested anatomy instead. This was one of Dave's favorite parts, this excruciating minute or so where Karkat was plainly turned on but his bulge hadn't quite gotten the message, yet, leaving him shivering and whimpering and pliable while Dave's fingers or tongue or both teased the oversensitive skin around his sheath, coaxing him out. Except, god damn it, he was doing absolutely none of that, right now, was he? 

"God," Dave straight up whined, no sense in even trying to pretend at being cool. "Karkat, damn it, let me -- come _on_ , man, come here, let me touch you. Let me -- fucking, whatever you want, just --" 

"I want you to watch," Karkat said. "And think about what a fucking idiot you are, missing out on this because you can't, ah, take sensible orders when they're given, _shit._ " Karkat's brow creased, fingers moving faster. "Just think, Dave, if you had just taken my good advice and left this shit well enough alone, we could be rolling around in our actual bed right now, doing whatever the fuck you wanted!" 

"Or, you know, _orrrr,_ you could slide your ass over here and get down and dirty in this nasty slime with me, that is a fucking option, Karkat," Dave shot back, watching Karkat's fingers work. He was fucking efficient, that's for sure. Slick, telling wet sounds filled the space between them, and when his bulge uncurled itself into the air Karkat made this low moaning sound that would have made Dave's knees honest to god go weak if he hadn't been currently encased to the waist in a vat of pulsing green kinda glowing absolute fucking _horse shit._ He strained forward hard enough that a muscle in his back gave him a warning twinge, and slapped the slime in front of him in thwarted frustration. "Karkat!"

Karkat's eyes cracked half-open. He was still wearing that god damn knowing little fanged grin of his, even as he smoothed his hand down the length of his bulge, squirming to get his pants further down his legs. "Yes, Dave?" 

"Whatever you want, okay? Seriously. Anything."

Karkat sighed, but -- god, yes, he was scooting forward, just the tiniest bit.

"Come on," Dave coaxed. His own dick was a hot inaccessible pressure point somewhere down the depths of slime hell, and squirming around at the waist wasn't doing nearly enough -- if he could just touch Karkat, taste him, whatever he wanted, it'd be enough to keep his mind off that, mostly, and, _fuck._ "Fuck," he repeated out loud for good measure. "Fuck, Karkat, come on, please, _fuck._ " 

He hadn't actually thought he'd beg. Really, he figured, he should have fucking known better. Karkat sat up, and Dave's heart and dick leapt together in hopeful unison. 

"Oh, so now you're sorry?" Karkat demanded, one hand gripping the edge of the recuperacoon, the other curled around the base of his bulge. His fingers were slick with red. Dave nodded, vehemently. "You want to apologize, Dave?" 

"Hell yes," Dave said, leaning forward, all eager and fucking humiliating, "Whatever you want, pick your fucking penance, man, confession's over and I am all about contrition, right now." 

Karkat shuffled forward just a bit more. Probably he was intending to tease him some more, but what he didn't know what a bit was all Dave needed to reach him, and once he could he did not fucking hesitate. He bent forward, shot his arms out, gripped the loose fabric of Karkat's half-down pants and _yanked_. Karkat made an incredibly undignified yelping sound, ass sliding right off the lip of the recuperacoon. Landing ass-first ensured he didn't meet Dave's same immobile fate, and the slime actually worked as intended, gelling up just enough to bounce him gently off its surface with a wet _smack,_ at which point he immediately tried squirming away, a string of blistering curses reverberating in the confined quarters. Dave paid this absolutely no mind, because he was busy with the critical task of wrestling Karkat's slime-soaked pants the rest of the way off.

This accomplished, he threw them carelessly outside the recuperacoon, grinning down at Karkat in half-maniacal glee. 

"This is not -- fucking -- contrition!" Karkat insisted, breathless, but his words quickly melted off when Dave ran his hands up his legs and over his hips, thumbs tracing sticky little circles over his skin. Dave bent over and, with great purpose, licked a long stripe over his abdomen, just under where his navel would have been if he'd been, you know, human. 

But Karkat was most definitely not human. His slate grey skin was perfectly smooth and utterly hairless, stretched over alien musculature that moved and rippled in strange ways as he curled up, still swearing up a storm. His red-tinged sweat only magnified the intensity of his full-body blushing. His elbows sank an inch into the slime as he struggled to sit up, and his bulge -- god, his fucking bulge. It uncurled itself eagerly toward Dave's body heat, and with the way Dave was tilted over Karkat, pressing teasing little kisses over the twitching muscles in his abdomen, the first place it found to squirm against was the soft skin under his chin. It left a warm, wet trail down his jaw, curling inquisitively against the pulse fluttering in his throat. 

"Fuck yes," Dave muttered, kissing down, down, only to have Karkat grab a vicious handful of his hair for the second time that day. A good day, really, despite everything. Karkat yanked his face up and tragically away from his undulating alien dick. 

"That was fucking rude, asshole," Karkat informed him, breathing hard. Dave laughed, struggling against his grip and the slime and getting nowhere. "Fucking rude, ridiculous, god damn -- fuck," Karkat fussed. And then he tightened his fingers in Dave's hair, forcing his head up, exposing his throat, and kissed him with just enough fang to send a message. He dipped down away from Dave's lips and scraped a toothy warning passage over the rough skin under his jaw. Right over the same places his bulge had just been traversing not one fucking minute before, actually, a fact that once registered made Dave's dick renew its aching, unanswerable pleas for attention. 

"Fucking Jesus," Dave gasped, eyes closed, focusing in completely on the sharp, electric spark that was Karkat's fangs nipping viciously at the sensitive skin at the juncture between his neck and shoulder. The ache in his scalp was dull and distant, compared to _that_. "Karkat, fuck, just -- ah! Fuck!" Dave leaned heavily forward, hands seeking out Karkat's hips, resting on the exposed skin there. Karkat let go of his hair and snaked his hands under Dave's slime-soaked shirt, leaving shallow scratches up his sides and down his back, just enough to make Dave snap up and squirm ineffectively away -- there was nowhere to go. Karkat laughed against his shoulder, nipping at him, each little painful pinch making him squirm harder. His nails dug into his shoulderblades. There was no pulling back, though, trapped like he was. He let out one long, shaking exhalation, eyes half lidded, fingers tight on Karkat's hips. He went from tense all over to pathetically pliable, and Karkat seemed to sense the change. His teeth scraped back up the side of Dave's throat, but he followed the sharp, painful parts with wet, soothing kisses. Dave let himself drift in it, eyes closed, heavy breathing punctuated with the occasional embarrassingly encouraging moan. 

"Dave," Karkat said, softly -- how much later? He honestly had no idea how long. Karkat slid closer, his bulge squirming insistently against Dave's stomach, and Dave made a pleased little _mmmh_ sound, reaching for it, letting it shiver against his palm and twine itself decadently around his wrist. Fuck. Incredible. Everyone should have an alien boyfriend. Karkat made a noise that was half contented sigh and half exasperated laughter, hips twitching at the sudden contact. 

"Fuck, Karkat," Dave sighed, leaning into him. Maybe it was his imagination, but the slime actually seemed to give a little. His legs felt less like utterly immovable blocks and more like absurdly heavy weights. "Let me just..." Dave gave Karkat's bulge a suggestive little squeeze. Karkat ran his hands up Dave's chest, thumbs pausing over his pretty much diamond hard nipples, at this point -- and then he pinched, _hard._ Dave's eyes popped open, and the noise he made was almost as alien as some of the shit that clicked out of Karkat's actual xenological vocal organs. He shook Karkat's bulge out of the tender mutual grip it had on his hand and shoved him back. " _Christ!_ " 

"We are far from fucking done, here," Karkat said, the softness in the way he'd said his name evaporating like mist. Dave nodded, and it was kind of fucking humiliating how eager he was for it. Fuck, he wanted it so bad. Karkat nodded once and then stood, shockingly steady considering the terrain, hands pressing down on Dave's shoulders. He lifted one to trace over Dave's jaw, tilting his chin up. "You're going to take it all," he said, and Dave swallowed, hard. Nodded again. "And don't you dare fucking stop until I'm fucking _done._ " 

Dave flashed what was probably the world's most transparent attempt at a devious grin at him, and without a word, he leaned forward open-mouthed, tongue half out, flat and inviting, and let Karkat's bulge quest out where it belonged on its own time. It didn't take long, and -- god -- it was always fucking startling, how quick it could move once it knew exactly where it wanted to be. The thin wet tip shuddered over his tongue, and just like that, it was uncurling itself directly down his fucking throat. _Christ._ He sputtered, eyes squeezing shut, sucking in a desperate, snorting breath through flared nostrils, and Karkat -- Karkat just yanked him closer, gasping, one hand squeezing bruises into Dave's shoulder, the other back in his hair, sliding encouragingly one moment, yanking rough and insistent in the next. 

He fucking loved it. The feel of it, thick and wet and squirming, using his mouth and tongue and throat for its own gratification. Given actual control over his fucking faculties, Karkat was usually gentle, careful, considerate, but left to its own devices his bulge was anything but. Dave moaned a muffled, desperate sound around it, tongue swirling, applying as much sucking pressure as he could muster given that he was definitely not getting enough air to sustain basic consciousness, let alone ace alien bulge sucking skills. Heedless of this, Karkat's hips rode forward, rough hands holding his face firmly in place. Funny thing about trolls, Dave thought, faintly. The prehensile dick thing meant they weren't so keen on the whole thrusting thing, which was -- kind of integral -- for timing key things like fucking intermittent breathing. 

He maintained just enough prescience to slap a warning on Karkat's bare ass, honest to god black spots blooming behind his eyelids. Karkat growled, but seemed to get the point, because his hips drew back just far enough that Dave was able to suck in one long, wet, glorious breath before Karkat's bulge was forcing its way right past his lips and tongue again. And again, and again. Thick and wet and the taste, fuck, Dave thought, more than a little light headed. Sex was such a tactile thing, but if you could cram everything about it into one physical sense, Karkat's bulge was the epitome of _taste_ , for sure. 

And if teasing Karkat's bulge out of his sheath was Dave's favorite part, this right here was his _other_ favorite -- feeling Karkat shiver and shudder, listening as his rough exclamations gave gradual way to incoherent moans and a smattering of other, more alien sounds, wet clicks and outright insectoid chirring, noises that probably should not have driven even more unbearable heat into certain places on Dave's own anatomy. But, well. When your boyfriend was a literal alien from actual outer space, a little xenophilia couldn't be held against you, right? 

Karkat's bulge shivered a warning, Dave sucked in another wet, messy breath, and Karkat cried his name, along with a few other embarrassing and mostly incoherent things. Unlike human dicks, troll bulges did not give a single fuck about sensical, even half-orderly exits, oh no. When Karkat came, he just fucking gushed everywhere, shuddering sheets of material through every part of his glorious, writhing length -- which was, coincidentally, yet another one of Dave's favorite things. Even though it always got up his fucking nose like clockwork, every time.

Karkat pulled away, and Dave fell forward, gasping. Fuck yeah. Aching throat and troll jizz up in all his nasal cavities -- _this_ was living. He laughed, breathing heavily, and it was gratifying as hell when Karkat sank right back down onto his ass in front of him, like his legs could no longer hold him up. His bulge was already half retracted, thighs smeared with his own genetic material, fuck. Dave blinked up at him, still laughing, if a little hoarsely. 

"How was that for contrition, asshole?" Dave croaked, eyebrows wiggling. Karkat ran his hands through the slime beneath him and flicked the residue it left on his fingers at Dave's face, admonishing.

"Passable," he said, between deep, telling breaths.

"Oh, you are so full of shit!" 

" _Adequate,_ I suppose." 

Dave indicated his shirt, which was now soaked with both shitty defective not-sopor slime and a metric fuck ton of troll jizz, and glared. "This fucking mess does not say simply adequate to me, Karkat." 

Karkat just laughed, collapsing onto his back. "It was good," he conceded. Dave watched his chest rise and fall, chewing his lip. 

"It _was_ , right?" 

Karkat lifted his head, chin touching his chest. " _Yes_ , Dave," he said, maybe a little touch incredulously, and then his head dropped back down. He had to be getting slime all up in his hair and shit, gross. Dave grinned. He squirmed forward, and didn't get far, but it seemed to him that the slime's grip on him was a little less vice-like. Maybe. He pulled a little harder, and the slime around his waist made an angry sucking sound, but it did move. Breathless, he stopped, panting. 

"Give me another hour or so," Dave said. "And maybe we can like, cuddle or something, right down here in all this slime like true degenerates." 

Karkat just laughed. "Sounds like a fantastic way to procrastinate having to clean it up, sure." 

"Hey," Dave said. 

"What?" 

"I, uh. I really -- honestly, do like doing that, for you." Dave coughed, eyes tracing patterns in the slime. Karkat took a few quiet breaths. Sat up. Dave tilted his head at him, shrugging. The worst part about this shit was when the haze started wearing off and all the embarrassment started flooding back in. Karkat scooted closer, and fuck, they were ridiculous, half naked and covered in slime and jizz and sweat, and -- and Karkat slid his arms around him with a soft little sigh. 

"I don't know how you manage to make being so infuriating and pathetic simultaneously into such an art form, but by god, you do." 

Dave laughed. "Love you too, Karkat." 

"I'll love you a lot more once we can get you out of here and into a fucking shower." 

"So romantic." 

"And you realize, if I end up having to get someone's help now, after all --" 

"Oh, no, dude." Dave shoved at him, laughing. "No. You'll just have to leave me to fucking die." 

Karkat shook against him, arms curling around Dave's neck. "Fucking idiot," he sighed in that fond way he had, expertly making the admonishment simultaneously affectionate. "Next time you could maybe just ask," he teased. "All this extra theater is pretty fucking unnecessary, don't you think?" 

"I did not _plan_ this, jackass. At least, not any more than you did." 

"Uh-huh," Karkat sighed, eyelids already drooping. He always did this -- Dave had no idea if this was a Karkat thing or just a general troll thing, but post-orgasm Karkat was a sleepy fucking cuddlemonster no matter where they were or what they were doing, as evidenced by the fact that he was currently snuggling up against Dave inside a defective recuperacoon that was also filled with a not insignificant amount of his own genetic slurry. And, uh, maybe some other stuff. Under the slime. Where no one had to know. 

"You're going to just fall right asleep here, aren't you?" Dave said. Karkat replied with one telling little _mmgh_ sound, already breathing deep against him. Dave sighed. "I'm gonna watch you sleep," he threatened. "Memorize every detail of your stupid dopey face." 

"Fuck you," Karkat mumbled, squirming tighter against him, already half out. 

Well. At least he wouldn't _technically_ be lonely, waiting on the spurious whims of slime jail to set him free. He combed his fingers through Karkat's gross sticky hair, heaving the world's most melodramatic sigh even as he tried and predictably failed to wipe the idiotic grin off his pathetic face. 

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on Tumblr at [@landofsomethingsomething!](http://landofsomethingsomething.tumblr.com)


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